you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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