i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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