Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
