My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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