i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
