Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
