Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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