I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I need water and some morals
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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