okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
