My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
