I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
