On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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