Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
