i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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