I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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