He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
