I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
