While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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