I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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