am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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