got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
