I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
