I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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