god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
