woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
