I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize