i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
the raccoons are back...
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