It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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