I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
