He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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