So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
