you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize