Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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