I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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