i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
