we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I deserve to be covered in dicks
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
