It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
