He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
