If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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