she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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