Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
