you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
