Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize