I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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