hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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