Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just threw up on my dentist
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize