Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
