I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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