Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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