Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
