guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
