summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
