She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
