Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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