is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
