Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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