Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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