seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
