This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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