PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
