4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
