booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
