Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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