im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
