can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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