And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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