I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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